textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
