I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
did i just pee glitter
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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