Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize