Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
