I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize