good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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