My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize