I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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