Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
