at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
