do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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