i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
