My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
