We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
ttyl tear gas
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
