fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
