So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
