There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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