my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
