Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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