i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
