I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
