Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
