I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
