If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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