I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
