So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
