So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
