the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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