grandma shit on top of the toilet
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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