I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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