i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think my moral compass just broke
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
