I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
