Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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