I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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