She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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