I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
