at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
