Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
