peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
