Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
