your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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