in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My feet surprised me
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