I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize