my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize