Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
