He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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