you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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