Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
