there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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