Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I smell stomach acid.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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