we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I stole a fireplace last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
