Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize