We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize