Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i believe in u and ur pee
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
