Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
