the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Buhtt sex?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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