He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Drunk is not a location!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize