ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
