Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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