You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Randomize
