Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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